Through the Ice

the reason.

2011-05-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

WARNING: the following will be controversial. Keep in mind that this is MY story, and may not ring true for everyone. Please read with an open mind. Thank you.

I became a vegan during a period of recovery. While this decision did not come from a place of disordered eating, that lifestyle combined with years of starving threw my blood sugar for a loop (I believe). After 8 years of low-fat, high-carb, no building foods whatsoever, and a pretty major relapse, I felt pulled towards something different. I wanted to regain my health, but could not put on weight to save my life - literally! I was seeing a life coach at the time, and she was the first to gently encourage (rather than scare/force) me to introduce some animal foods back into my diet, namely bone broth. I was leery, but intrigued, as I had been feeling drawn to fish in particular for quite some time. Trust in my coach was also a huge factor, as she had been through the same struggles.

Fast-forward several months, and I have started eating some full-fat, high-quality dairy. Feeling much better.

Started eating salmon - we're onto something here!

Then one day - BISON. Yeah, now THAT'S the stuff!!!

At the same time I was going through my dietary journey, I was in school to become a Registered Holistic Nutritionist. This reinforced and confirmed my intuitions (and my coach's advice) that I needed

more saturated fat and protein. We learned that vegan diets are very cleansing, while animal foods are building, and that for someone like me (petite, naturally thin, prone to anxiety) in my situation (trying to rebuild my body after extreme illness), animal foods were KEY.

As a vegan, I CONSTANTLY craved sugar (I still have several vegan friends who would KILL for cupcakes, chocolate, donuts, cookies...oh, the irony!). During the first year or so of recovery from the relapse, allowing myself to eat as I please, I found myself waking up nearly every single night STARVING. I could not get food into me fast enough. Then it started happening during the day, too. Although I was eating more and more saturated fats and protein, my body was still out of whack. I found myself starting to feel out of control, bingeing on brownies and oatmeal and English muffins with nut butter...As someone who's always been skinny and had not struggled with binge eating, I was wondering what the heck was going on!!! I truly did not feel that I was eating emotionally, yet I felt insatiable beyond reason.

Then we read "Optimum Nutrition for the Mind" by Patrick Holford in class. He cited a study in which bulimics were allowed to binge as much as they liked for two weeks - just not on certain foods, namely those that were high in sugar and fat. Lo and behold, the incidence of bingeing was drastically reduced. The study concluded that a lot of bingeing is precipitated by low blood sugar; throw stress into the mix, and Houston, we have a problem.

This was my "aha!" moment.

I began to feel stronger and more grounded the longer I went eating animal products. This, combined with the guidance of my life coach, enabled me to better trust my body and honor its wisdom. I found that I just function better with more protein (due to being Type 0 blood...?) and fat, and less carbohydrates. Yes, I put on weight, but I feel like this new way of eating simply brought my body to where it wanted to be naturally, as opposed to the forced weight gain I had endured in the hospital.

It took a while, but my blood sugar eventually balanced out. And here I am, nearly two years into recovery, at a healthy weight, no longer waking up at night with mad cravings for sugar and carbs, feeling less anxious and actually DOING something with my life. For that, I shamelessly offer thanks to the animals.

But be still, vegan hearts - that's not to say that I'm a raging carnivore. I feel good eating meat and dairy, but I do so with utmost reverence for the being that gave its life for me, so that I may live more fully. We are all living creatures, and as one of my teachers says (paraphrased): just eat it and bless it. Love your food and it will love you back.

So.

All that said, I am not in any way telling herbivores to change their ways and go back to the "dark" side. I am simply encouraging everyone to continually re-examine their beliefs to determine whether or not they still ring true. My lifestyle (dietary and otherwise) may not be everyone's cup of tea. It works for me right now, and who knows, that may change. Find what works for YOU, personally, then explore it and love it and accept it, and the truth will shine through.

Promise.

to be nourished

2010-12-08T16:31:00.000-08:00

Winter is the time to nourish and be nourished - not that one needs an excuse to do/be so!

It's cold, damp, rainy/snowy (in the case of Vancouver, anyway); people are drawn to each other for warmth and comfort; food is coming from underground (a place of stored energy) rather than above (where it receives life from the sun); and our bodies want to build, to put on extra fat for protection and insulation (see?! It's not all those holiday treats that are making you gain weight! Or something...).

This weather calls for soup, stew, hot chocolate, bear hugs, real wood fires, ice skates and mittens and toques (eh?). Love in all its many splendid forms.

Funny how we fight it though...or is it just me? I force myself to go out for a run in the pouring rain and dark of the early morning, and beat myself up when it snows and it's "too slippery" to go (which it really is, despite my insistence of the contrary). I eat raw vegetables because they're "good for me," even though they make my stomach hurt in this cooler weather. Hot food scares me because it's "too satisfying." I set my alarm for 5am even though it looks and feels like midnight outside at that time, and won't allow myself to sleep in.

What's with that?!

I feel weak for wanting comfort in any form, be it food, physical touch, warmth, sleep...DENY DENY DENY!!! Whereas if I just accepted the desire for love - which is the root form of comfort, ultimately - I'd 1)need a whole lot less of it to satisfy, 2)stop dreaming about it, 3) stop seeking it, and 4)stop denying that I'm seeking it while continuing to do so!

It's like a diet: "don't eat this, don't eat that," when all it does is make you crave this or that!

You know that phrase, "letting yourself go," a.k.a. gaining weight, not dying your hair, not putting on makeup every day, etc.? Break it down word by word:

Letting. Yourself. Go.

Shouldn't that mean FREEDOM?

This is what I propose: use the holiday to "let yourself go." Eat chocolate, sleep in, hug a stranger...and don't feel bad about it! Guaranteed, you'll actually eat less, get up at a decent hour, and not seek love in bad habits. Because you won't be denying yourself, you won't want them so much!

Dare ya. I'll do it if you do it.

Ready? GO.

about balance...

2010-11-19T05:45:00.000-08:00

"It's not because I don't believe in things like good nutrition, limiting media in a child's early years, or reducing one's dependence on petroleum. But instead of being confined, rigid, and always right, I'd rather be balanced, welcoming, and kind. I'd rather be open than restricted, so nobody needs to apologize in my presence. I can hold certain ideals, and occasionally fail gleefully. The best I can do is to do a bit better. And I've found that I have to be gentle with myself to support other people.

How about you?"

http://www.chicken-tender.com/2010/09/un-discipline.html

there's more to health than just food

2010-10-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

Say WHAAAA?!?!

http://meghantelpnerblog.com/2010/08/01/healthy-state-of-mind-more-to-health-than-just-food/

The Blogging Cult

2010-10-04T06:28:00.000-07:00

Is this the new "pro-ana" movement?

http://wearingmascara.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/marie-claire-article-the-hunger-diaries1.pdf

new beginnings, no regrets.

2010-09-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and go with your gut. Even if you have no idea what the next step is, even if you risk losing a sense of security, even if you don't know why you're doing it in the first place - some things just feel right, and it's futile trying to intellectualize your way out of it.

Case in point: I quit my job today. Okay, so it's just Starbucks, but still, it was my source of income. I went in today with no intention of quitting, but I hit my breaking point about halfway through my shift. There was no mental breakdown, no bawling in the bathroom, no ripping off of the apron and storming out. Just a quiet, internal shift and a clear sense of discord with the whole situation. (It had been creeping in for a while.) So I politely informed the shift supervisor I was leaving, and that was that. And I have no regrets.

While I don't know what the future will bring, I'm okay with it because I have intention: I know what I want to do with my life (nutritional consulting and/or life coaching for the mentally ill, particularly those with eating disorders), and I'm going to pursue it with all my heart. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that if you really want something and you do the work to get it, it'll happen. Maybe not in the way you envisioned, but that's okay because the point is to learn from it and use it as a tool on your path (which never really ends, by the way).

And I am learning - boy, am I learning! But more importantly, I'm having fun! I'm making glorious messes (yes, this is a good thing)! As I reflect on this past year, I can't believe how much has changed, how much I've grown, what I've managed to accomplish. A year ago, I was nearly dead. Now? I'm living, really living, in all senses of the word.

I highly recommend it :).

believe.

2010-09-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Found this on http://teaandcookies.blogspot.com/:

BELIEVE

Maybe the camera crew is at someone else’s house, a spotlight haloing over another’s fleshy story. Maybe the mailman is delivering the good news to your neighbor, or a different city entirely,and you come home to a rash of catalogues, the second notice for a doctor’s bill, a plea from the do-gooders for whatever you can spare.

Maybe you haven’t cleaned your kitchen floor in weeks, forgotten to nourish the front garden, spilled too much coffee in your car, weaving through traffic.

Maybe you are 10 pounds heavier than last year.

Maybe your skin is betraying your age.

Maybe winter is ravaging your heart.

Maybe you are afraid, or lonely, or furious, or wanting out of every commitment you entered with vigor and trust.

Maybe you’ve bitten your nails down to the quick, chosen your meals badly, ignored the advice of those who know you best.

Maybe you are stubborn as a toddler.

Maybe you are clumsy or foolish or hasty or reckless.

Maybe you haven’t read all the books you’re supposed to.

Maybe your handwriting is still illegible after all these years.

Maybe you spent too much on a pair of shoes you didn’t need.

Maybe you left the window open and the rain ruined the cake.

Maybe you’ve destroyed everything you wanted to save.

Still.

If anything, believe in your own strange loveliness. How your body, even as it stumbles, angles for light.

The way you hold a dandelion with such yearning and tenderness, the whole world stops spinning.

—Maya Stein

a not-so-random thought...

2010-09-18T19:46:00.001-07:00

Writing a comment on a friend's ED blog this morning, the following occurred to me: our eating disorders and the institutions that try to rid us of them both utilize the same tactic - control - only one uses it to make us ill and the other to make us (quote-on-quote) better.

Huh.

First of all, life cannot and should not be controlled. And second, wasn't it Einstein who said that problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them?

the end of an era

2010-08-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

I know that I'm obsessed with food.

Although my passion for it is different now than it was, say, ten years ago, even last year - namely, that it is a passion now, as opposed to a twisted love/hate relationship - a friend of mine recently shared with me a similar struggle, and it made me realize that I need to expand my horizons. I can - and will - still cultivate my love of good food, cooking, and the nourishment these things provide, but they simply cannot continue to be my only love. There are books to read, movies to see, art to make, conversations to get lost in, full moons to howl at, tubs to soak in, songs to sing at the top of your lungs while driving along the freeway...

Because food is not life, after all - it simply gives you the energy to live it!

wisdom.

2010-08-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

Years of struggle and all I got was this ~~crappy t-shirt~~ life-changing realization:

CONTROL IS FUTILE - give it up! Things work themselves out. All you have to do is trust.

winner, winner, chicken dinner

2010-08-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, I promise this won't turn into a food blog.

...I think.

But tonight's dinner was seriously good.

Went to my parents' place (where I am allowed to cook meat, unlike at my house. Two words: vegan roommates. Gotta stick to my side of the bargain, after all) and made this, and these. First of all, I was so proud of myself for cooking chicken on my own (not that it's hard, but when you're used to plants it can be a little daunting. "Whaddaya mean I can't eat it raw?"), and second, holy yum, Batman! Can't wait for leftovers :).

Lots o' shit to report besides food successes...all to come at a later date.

Now go outside and blow bubbles before the rain starts again. Scoot!

a moment of clarity in the fading of neuroses.

2010-08-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

- Kahlil Gibran

2010-08-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

Burst into tears twice before 7am this morning. Aah, family...

food porn part deux

2010-08-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

dinner tonight, care of Vegetarian Times:

summer in a casserole dish: heirloom tomatoes, zucchini, basil, garlic, parmesan cheese. served with Terra Breads whole wheat loaf. the parents liked it, which says a LOT.

Look ma, I made it myself!

2010-07-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

last night's dinner:

spicy salad greens, roasted beets, chickpeas, goat cheese, olive oil + balsamic, fleur de sel, fresh ground pepper. all organic, 75% local, 100% delicious.

Read this now. Just do it. Trust me. Then write your own.

2010-07-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

Letter to My 20-Something Self

Jackass quote of the day

2010-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

"Go eat a Big Mac or something." (Said oh-so-discreetly by my neighbour as I was getting out of my car upon arriving at home this afternoon.)

Hmm, yeah, maybe I will. Probably barf it all up afterward too - right on your stupid dog for sticking his slimy fucking nose in my bag of clean clothes.

Jerk.

Just let it go...

2010-06-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

Funny how the minute you acknowledge something, it loses its power.

So I was having these really intense physical things going on over the last couple months: feeling shaky, dizzy, overwhelmed, um, constipated, and utterly exhausted - like, to the core, dead tired. Going to bed at 7pm, unable to focus in school, not even wanting to be outside because the stimulus was too much to handle. Craving nothing but fat and sugar, and lots of it. And these things were happening regardless of how much I slept or whether or not I just ate. Sometimes it would get worse after eating (which made me think I had diabetes, that my blood sugar was out of whack). This past week I hit a breaking point - a couple, in fact - where I just shifted into autopilot and just fucking ate. Not that I don't, normally, but I mean I ate. Bison smokies, cupcakes, brownies...My body just seemed to take over completely.

When this kind of thing happens, I think, I should be freaking out right now. Should be freaking out?! Says who? As much as it felt like I was bingeing, it didn't at the same time because I actually felt better after doing it, physically. I know that I don't eat like that out of emotion. When I get that hungry, I really am hungry. Upon relating this story to my life coach this week, she really put things into perspective: she defined a binge as eating more calories than the body requires. Therefore, if I feel better after eating more than normal, my body must need it!

Anyway, my point...

Here I was feeling so incredibly deficient all the time and not knowing why. Getting more and more frustrated and seeking answers from anywhere and anyone I could think of. Not able to function when I needed to (work, school, etc.). Until, finally, I realized that I may never find an answer. And if I do, it certainly won't come from an external source. If am truly honest with myself, I know exactly what's going on and how to fix it.

I know I used my illness as a crutch, as an out so that I couldn't be held responsible for anything. And now I'm using this, whatever it is. Oh, poor Vanessa, she's sick, she needs to be taken care of. Well hey, guess what girlfriend? You're an adult now, and not only are you perfectly capable of solving your own problems, you actually want to! Yeah, I do. I want to make mistakes, I want to make a mess, and most of all I want to learn from them!

Therefore, the only question I need to ask myself is, Do I want this to change? And voila, there's my answer.

Admit it, then set it free. And if that seems too easy, it's only because you're making it hard on purpose.

2010-05-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

Just breathe.

Riding the waves

2010-04-28T20:01:00.001-07:00

It's really tough to reconcile what I'm learning in school with what my body needs right now.

Case in point: while my classmates - a number of whom are on some sort of cleanse - munch on apples, rice cakes, raw vegetables, and sheets of nori seaweed, I'm sitting there chowing down on cheese and bison - bison! - salami.

As such, I have to keep giving myself reality checks: I am recovering from severe anorexia nervosa - my body is extremely deficient right now and needs the extra protein and fat. I cannot afford to be cleansing right now - I need to be building. I must honor my hunger - the body knows what it needs.

My life coach warned me about this syndrome: taking all the nutritional do's and don'ts one is studying to heart (or head), often in spite of one's best interests. Like med students who become hypochondriacs, or psych students who "diagnose" their friends and family.

That said, I can see the fun in all this: at a time of year (and, it could be said, of existence) when the majority of the population is trying in vain to shed excess weight or keep from gaining it, I can't seem to keep it on! My body is a freaking sponge right now - I can eat whatever the hell I want! Not that I would neglect nutritional balance, but calorically speaking, I need all I can get. Most people would give their right arm to be in my position!

So I'm throwing caution to the wind. Not as in I plan to, but as in I am. Take the bison, for instance. Chocolate every day. Almond butter like C-R-A-Z-Y. Cheese. Whole-milk yogurt. Butter, for godssake. I never would have predicted such a radical dietary shift, not in a gazillion years. But you know what? I feel good. Whether I'll eat this way forever, I don't know, but right now, it's all I can do to stop asking why and just fucking trust.

What I do when I really should be studying.

2010-04-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight's dinner was beyond amazing. No, wait - scratch that. There really are no words to describe it.

Like all great things - not just food - it was put together somewhat spontaneously and while I should have been doing something else - namely, studying for next week's Anatomy and Physiology test. I had planned to prepare tomorrow's food tonight so it could chill in the fridge: a quinoa salad based on the Barley with Lemon and Herbs recipe from Clean Food (hate that phrase, but the book rocks!) and inspired by this recipe, but I was hungry now and my freshly-cooked chickpeas and steaming pot of black quinoa (yes, black!) just looked too tempting to leave well enough alone to cool. So I whipped up a flax oil/lemon/garlic dressing, chopped some parsley, added a couple dollops of my favorite yogurt, and stirred some shit up.

OH. MY. GOD. Either this was good, or it was what my body and soul were crying out for, or both. Served on top of some organic mixed greens from today's farmer's market, I was in heaven. A square of my new favorite treat, Manuka Tree chocolate, put me over the edge - I was literally swooning (though that also could have been due to the blood sugar issues I've been having recently).

Seriously, this was so satisfying on so many levels. The colours, the textures, the tastes, the feeling of all those nutrients running through your veins...Often it's the simplest of meals, eaten in peaceful solitude, that leave the most lasting impressions.

I think part of why I felt so nourished by this meal is because lately I feel like my body has been in a deep, deep, deep state of regeneration, like it's trying to bounce back from a deficiency that goes beyond the physical - such nutrient-dense food is ideal right now more than ever. My life coach referred to it as "yin deficiency," which basically means a lack of grounding, feminine energy (the opposite of which is yang, the masculine, "go go go!" force). Hence the extreme hunger, blood sugar-induced dizzy spells, heightened emotions, and general feeling of vulnerability that I've been experiencing increasingly often. But as unstable as I may present, I actually feel like I'm gaining strength, both mentally and physically. I'm becoming happier, clearer, and more insightful and present by the day.

Is this recovery? Whatever it is, I think I like it.

“I’d Never Stop Eating”

2010-04-07T13:30:00.000-07:00

Found a fabulous blog post today regarding my fears around intuitive eating:

“I’d Never Stop Eating”

I know deep down that I am not an emotional eater - I know when I've physically had enough food. But a body recovering from starvation simply requires more fuel than "normal," and this stresses me out. Sometimes I feel such insatiable hunger, and psychologically it's been really fucking hard to honour it and eat more/more often than my mind tells me is "safe." This post reminded me that the body does indeed know what it wants, and once it's brought back into balance, the erratic eating habits will cease.

What if...?

2010-04-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

The situation: I just ate vegan mac and cheese for dinner.

The feeling: a little anxious.

The conversation that goes on in my head in times like these is quite ridiculous considering what we're dealing with here: it's just a fucking bowl of pasta!

Me: I'm really craving some vegan mac and cheese.

ED: No way, dude! Pasta is way too processed; the grains aren't soaked and it was made in a factory. There's no nutritional value in the sauce at ALL. You'll just be tempted to eat the whole friggin' pot of it. And besides, you've already eaten your carb quota for the day, and you know you'll just eat a muffin before bed anyway, so pasta would put you WAY over the edge. NO. No pasta tonight.

Me: But the pasta is whole-grain quinoa and kamut - lots of good protein in there! And the sauce is mostly spices - nothing bad in there. And I REALLY want pasta. If I don't eat what I'm craving, I'll get all anxious about what I AM eating and will end up eating more in the attempt to substitute something else for the pasta, AND I'll just keep dreaming of the mac and cheese until I finally do eat it. Besides, I really feel like the act of cooking a good meal would be really nurturing to me right now.

ED: Use some fucking willpower, dammit! You don't HAVE to eat what you're craving ALL the time!

Me: But it's the ritual of cooking that's calling to me more than anything after being at work all day. And mac and cheese is easy, nourishing, and fun to make and eat. And with those nettles from the farmer's market on the side, I'll even get my greens in!

ED: But the CARBS! Too many fucking CARBS! You know how addicting they are...Just eat the tempeh you have in the fridge.

Around and around we go.

So what was my final decision?

I made the mac and cheese.

And it was good.

My goal for this meal was to be mindful; to slow down and actually chew and taste and experience, and pay particular attention to how the food and the experience itself made me feel. (This is something we discussed in school this last week - how enjoyment of your food and being mindful while eating it can have just as much, if not more, of an effect on total health than what you're actually consuming.) I hoped that this would 1) prevent me from eating more just out of anxiety, and 2) help me to enjoy the meal more.

Missions accomplished!

Still a little anxiety, but the satisfaction of a warm, home-cooked meal is ever-so-slightly edging that out. Vanessa: 1, ED: 0.

What prompted me to take a risk with dinner tonight was something my life coach asked me this week after I communicated my food anxieties with her: what if you allowed yourself to eat x? What would happen? Even just posing that question to myself alleviates a lot of pressure, not to mention it brings me back into my body and out of the circulating thoughts in my head.

So that's my mantra for this week: what if? It goes for more than just food...Try it.

Oh, the sights you will see...

2010-04-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

On my way to school this morning, I saw a bike commuter.

Riding a unicycle.

With one hand in a cast.

Eating an apple he was holding in the other hand.

All while making it look totally effortless.

If that's not talent, I don't know what is.

Screw you Starbucks.

2010-03-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

As you know, I work at Starbucks (I'll refrain from using the rhyming suffix I've given it). My coworkers - excuse me, "partners" - at the new location are somewhat less-than-pleasant, and it's getting to me. So, as a "fuck you" to them and the company itself, I got my septum (the middle part of your nose, in between the nostrils) pierced today.

Not surprisingly, Sbux dress code forbids facial piercings, including nose studs, and even puts limits on the number of earrings one may wear. So how will I not get lectured/written up/fired for this, you ask? That's where the FU comes in: the kind of jewelry I was pierced with allows me to just turn it up inside my nose, so no one's the wiser except me :).

Not that anyone at work would really care that I have a secret piercing if they found out. But for me, it's all about doing whatever it takes to stay sane while I'm there.

Things that made my week.

2010-03-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

1. Getting $16, 000 plus a $750 GST credit from ICBC for my totalled car. Considering we (Dad and I) payed $20, 000 for my beloved Fiona (yes, I name my cars), I'm pretty stoked. Looking for a new vehicle today...

2. Going to school. Never in a million years did I think I'd be disappointed to only have class twice a week!

3. Having a gab-fest with one of my best friends. It was cut waaaaay too short due to such banalities as hospital appointments and arguments with boyfriends, but 'twas a much-needed breath of fresh air. Gab-fests are one of life's (sometimes not-so) simple pleasures.

4. Seeing The Runaways. Not the best movie ever, but there was still something about it that captivated me, lured me in. Can't put my finger on what that was just yet, but I will say that the acting was brilliant. Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart owned it! But whatever happened to cute little DF of I Am Sam? The sight of her prancing around in dominatrix garb and growling out X-rated lyrics made me want to simultaneously cover her up with a giant sweatshirt and give her a high-five. Kudos for breaking out of the child-actor mold, but honey, c'mon - you're only sixteen!

5. Seeing a teenage guy streak through Save-On-Foods last night. Self-explanatory. Highlight of my week, for sure ;).

What made you smile this week?

I am a procrastination pro!

2010-03-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

I really should be studying right now, but this post just could not wait...or something.

The CURRENT OBSESSIONS AND PROJECTS post!!!

1. Ezekiel English muffins - nothin' new here! Can't seem to decide lately whether I want to top them with raw almond butter or coconut butter, so I've been doing half-and-half :). 'Cause you really care.

2. Sauerkraut - you either love it or you hate it. I happen to be on a 'kraut kick, so rather than shell out the moolah for jarfuls of the stuff, I opted to DIY and start my first homemade batch! Let me just say: ten minutes of pounding cabbage is great for anger/stress management. Slap a face on that veggie and let 'im have it!

3. Kombucha - I believe I've mentioned this wonder beverage before. Yet another home-brewing adventure I've recently embarked on in lieu of paying $4 per 300-mL bottle. This stuff is the new alcohol, I swear - just as swanky as wine, more addicting than beer, but uber-healthy! It's even slightly alcoholic! (Meaning you should not drink it on an empty stomach while driving home from Bellingham - therefore crossing the border - makes one a little tipsy. Not that I'd know from experience or anything...)

4. Greek yogurt - I have found heaven in a single-serving plastic cup, and it's name is Oikos. Why, oh why does Canada have to be so behind-the-yogurt-times and not carry it yet?!?!

5. Caramel Americanos - (*cough*sugar-free*cough*...Yeah, ED still manages to win on that one. Can someone please invent caramel-flavoured stevia?)

6. Baked goods - A muffin/scone/brownie/cupcake/etc. a day keeps the doctor away...in my case, anyhow.

7. Salad creations - Gotta balance those desserts out somehow! My concoctions of late almost always include the following: heap o' mixed greens, pile of shredded carrot, pile of shredded beet, MOUNTAIN of sprouts, small mound of smoked tofu/tempeh/hummus/salmon, dollop of sauerkraut, sometimes avocado, homemade miso/maple syrup/apple cider vinegar/olive oil dressing, sprinkle of sea salt/kelp, and DOUSED in nutritional yeast! Sounds complicated, but it's actually quite...cohesive, I should say. Sweet, salty, tangy, crunchy, mushy, chewy, fresh, light, and grounding all at once. YUM. I want one right now...

And just so I can say this post wasn't 100% food-focused...

8. The mountains - The view here in BC right now is nothing short of spectacular, especially at this one particular location: my anticipation upon approaching the crest on Knight St at 37th Ave is like that moment right before you begin the main descent on a roller coaster, only without the heart attack.

That's all I can think of for now. More to come, I'm sure!

It's all good.

2010-03-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

Hello again,

It's been a while, I know. That's 'cause it's been C-R-A-Z-Y! But in the most delightful way :).

First of all, I've moved out. Well, in that I, and (most of) my stuff is in the new place; I have yet to get about half of it out of boxes and onto (currently nonexistent) shelves of some sort. Besides the boxes, though? I am IN LOVE with the place! I repeat: IN. LOVE. Great location (peaceful, yet within walking distance of a main street which supplies pretty much everything I need/want, and a bike or transit will get you everywhere else in the city fairly quickly); nice house (clean and with a good amount of space; older, just enough to have acquired some character yet still be well-functioning); the best roomies I could ever ask for (like-minded, neat, quiet, and considerate. Read: no drinking/smoking/toking or crazy parties...unless you count the vegan potlucks!); and best of all...IT'S NOT WHITE ROCK! (For those of you from the Lower Mainland, you know what I mean.)

Second, I started school. Again: LOVE. We've only had two classes so far (we're on Spring Break already - don't ask me why that is), and this is the first time that I've been disappointed to have time off school! And been excited to do homework! I'm learning so much already, and I have so many questions! Luckily one of my roomies, Genny, is graduating from the same school in April, so I can pick her brain! (Sorry in advance, Genny ;).) Look for my request for case studies in the future!

And last, but not least (in order of intensity, anyway) - I totalled my car last week. Turning left onto Victoria Drive (stupid-busy street, people park all along it, and crosswalks are few and far between), I'm peeking out, peeking out, don't see anyone, am in a hurry (as always), "guy friend" in the car (making me nervous), start to turn, BAM! A car slams into me from the left. Front left corner of my vehicle is totally smashed in, interior is all shifted. Everyone's okay, aside from other driver whose leg was hurt (though she seemed to run across the street just fine). We were all pretty shaky though. And I am still reeling from the embarrassment. This, my friends, is karma. DO NOT take chances when you drive - it'll bite you in the ass someday. In conclusion: my car was a writeoff. I am without car. Car-less. Is that a dare or a double-dare?

In other news, I am now down to bi-weekly weigh-ins. WOOT! Still no upward trajectory in the BMI department, but my current baked goods obsession should remedy that fairly quickly ;). (Speaking of which, I would like to give a shout-out to Vegan Mania - Christa, I heart/hate you.)

But alas, I am now antsy after an hour spent typing this (yes, I chicken-peck, I confess). "Current Obsessions and/or Projects" post to come!

~vanessa

Orthorexia nervosa

2010-02-26T07:04:00.000-08:00

Quick post today:

My friend (and soon-to-be roommate!) Genny posted a brief blurb about orthorexia nervosa on her blog yesterday and I felt the need to add my two cents.

This has definitely been a struggle of mine for quite a few years, along with classic anorexia, and what I've learned is that there is a fine line between health in honour of one's body and health in denial of it.

Where do you think you stand on the spectrum?

The Ballad of the Brownie.

2010-02-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

Something momentous happened just now.

I ate a brownie.

A feat in itself, yes, but the real revelation came afterward, when I suddenly didn't care.

Being that I'd already had dinner, I initially freaked out about eating the damn dessert. I started mentally tallying up what and how I'd eaten today: calories, fat, protein, fruit/veggie servings, sugar, carbs. Too much of one thing? Not enough of another? Was it balanced? "Sufficient" time in between meals? Was I "hungry enough" when I did eat? How active was I? Had I ran myself ragged enough to "deserve" a treat? Was I hungry when I ate it? Somehow, my calculations added up to this: The brownie had to go. I was going to throw it up.

Now, I regularly engage in many, many disordered behaviours, but purging is not one of them. I can count the number of times I've done it - not very effectively, I might add - on one hand. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and ED was in fight-or-flight mode at this point.

But then a switch flipped: I didn't care. I didn't want to purge. It just wasn't worth it. Was the brownie good? Yes. Was it satisfying? Yes, physically and mentally. Did I "deserve" it? Who cares - I wanted it. All perfectly justifiable reasons to eat dessert, in anyone's books. Suddenly - miraculously - I was okay with giving in.

Normal people eat, enjoy (or not), and move on. Like I've said before, it's just food. It's time for me to quit overanalyzing already!!!

Anyone else struggle with overthinking food? Let's chat...

Once in a lifetime...

2010-02-12T11:30:00.001-08:00

Guess who saw the Olympic torch go right past her car last night?!

While I'm not exactly ecstatic about the games invading my hometown, I've got to admit: it was pretty freaking cool to be driving over the Burrard Street Bridge, on my way home from an appointment at the hospital, at the exact moment that the torch was being carried across...seeing all the people decked out in red and white and waving their flags, the RCMP on horseback, with music playing...especially since I had no idea it was even happening that night! Again with the serendipity thing...

Peeved as I was initially about hitting a traffic jam, once I realized what was happening I couldn't help but smile and take it all in. This kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime, after all.

This interrupts your regularly-scheduled programming...

2010-02-10T04:37:00.000-08:00

...But Gena is having a giveway and i wanna WIN!

Okay, so this post is purely selfish. But c'mon, if you know me at all you're aware that I have an obsession with kitchen gadgets ;). That, and Gena's blog rocks so you should check it out anyway.

~vanessa

Watch out world, here I come!!!

2010-02-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

Great news today: I scored a place out in Vancouver!!! As of March 1, I'll be sharing a suite with two other girls, both of whom are vegan and environmentally conscious. I actually know them both from random places and events, so it's all very serendipidous (had to throw my favorite word in there ;) ) that we should meet again.

So yeah...I'm pretty freaking pumped, to put it mildly.

I mean, living at home is great in a lot of ways - no rent to pay, for starters - but at a certain point it just gets too close for comfort. I'm twenty-freaking-five years old...I think it's time to fly the coop, no? Much as I love my family, I really just need to separate. You know?

Anyway, now I get to begin the epic task of sorting through my endless boxes of crap that I've accumulated over the years in a vain attempt to part with a significant amount of it to lessen teh load before I move. Wish me luck! And if you have any suggestions as to what to do with perfectly good used stuff (eg. food banks, Craigslist, etc.), please let me know!

~vanessa

IT'S JUST FOOD.

2010-01-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I managed to stay out of the hospital these last couple weeks, despite the food poisoning incident and my resulting weight loss. AND my psychiatrist de-certified me! (I don't know if it's called the same thing in the US, but in Canada, the docs can "certify" you; this is basically a nice way of saying you're committed. If the docs think you're a threat to yourself or others, they can put you away for as long as they see fit and you have to abide by their rules. Run away and you'll be dragged back to the hospital by police. They can also certify you "in the community," which is kinda like house arrest. You're free to go about your daily life, but again, you have to play by their rules: show up for appts, get bloodwork, etc., etc., or be hauled back to emerg by police. Yep, it's great fun.) So that appointment actually went WAAAAAY better than I ever expected. I thought they'd strap me down and attach to me to IVs and feeding tubes for sure...

Today I want to talk about about gaining weight: I actually don't know how to do it...because I've never done it on my own before. Every time, it's been in a hospital/treatment center, usually with the assistance of Boost and/or a feeding tube and/or strict bedrest. I'm assuming that if I up my portions, my weight will rise accordingly. Whenever I try and do that, however, I drastically underestimate what an "increased portion size" is: I see a tbsp as "oh, that's about a 1/4 cup," and one piece of pineapple as an extra fruit serving. Plus I'll almost subconsciously restrict later on in the day for what I've "added." Then in hindsight, I can see quite clearly that actually probably ate less than usually and vow to "get back on track" the next day. I know a meal plan would come in handy at this point, but they NEVER WORK for me. Not at home, anyway. I alway abandon them after a few days, I think partly because I'm much more of an "intuitive" eater, but mostly because I (and my ED) am just plain stubborn. If I don't feel like doing something, I ain't gonna do it, despite it maybe being in my best interest. There's nothing, and I mean NOTHING, worse than mechanical eating. Eating when you're not hungry SUCKS; it just feels so unnatural (and starving IS natural, Vanessa? Seriously). My docs keep telling me it's necessary because I'm so underweight and I'm "not feeling normal hunger cues" right now. The former is true, but the latter, not so much - I am, and always have, felt hunger, even (and especially) at my lowest points. Therefore, I don't feel I can trust the so-called professionals. Everyone I know or have heard of has resorted to bingeing to put on weight; yes, it works, but I am just not a binge-er. Nor is that a healthy way to...well, get healthier! Neither is eating a bunch of high-fat/cal/sugar desserts all the time. I think at this point, it's just a matter of sticking to a plan, regardless of how shitty and unnatural it feels. It's either do it at home voluntarily, eating my own REAL food and being able to exercise; or forcefully in hospital with fake, overcooked, bland, bad-quality food while on bedrest...and I think it's obvious which would the lesser evil of the two ;).

Also, I also suffer from MAJOR anxiety around choosing food: it's always a constant battle over what I feel like vs. what I "should" have vs. what's in the fridge that needs to be used vs. what I've eaten and will maybe eat later vs. what time I last ate/will next be eating...I could go on and on and on, and I think about it ALL DAY. And sometimes night. And here's the thing: I can deal with the feeling of anxiety, but when it happens it affects my stomach. It makes me bloated and kills my appetite, not to mention I get dizzy (from taking so many deep breaths to try and calm myself) and it totally wipes me out; I end up just paralyzed at this point, totally incapacitated, staring into space because I can't focus on anything else, despite knowing full well that the best thing I can do is some sort of activity to take my mind off it. Has this ever happened to you? I know that food is just food: we eat it and move on. Sometimes we eat EXACTLY what our bodies were calling for; other times, dinner is a bag of stale trail mix eaten standing up on the bus because you were starving and that's all you had with you. That's life. There's NO SUCH THING as the "perfect diet." Maybe my problem is that I'm obsessed with perfection...

So here are my questions: Do you, or have you ever, done the mechanical eating thing? What else helps you to gain weight? Also, did you find that your hunger cues were messed up, or were you just ignoring them? What did you do to regulate them?

Have a fantastic weekend everyone! I have the next couple of days off work, and am planning on taking full advantage of this beautiful city before half the world arrives for the Olympics and causes more of a cluster-fuck than already exists :s.

~vanessa

Can't sleep, clowns'll eat me...

2010-01-20T03:42:00.000-08:00

It's 3:42 am and I am wide awake. Have been so for the last hour.

I suppose it's not too early, considering I have to be up by 4:15 for work anyway, but bothersome nonetheless because I have never been one to suffer from insomnia.

Maybe it has something to do with the beyond-icky case of food poisoning I contracted this past weekend...perhaps it's my body crying out for food, attempting to make up for what it rejected four times in one night and for what it did not consume for the three days following. (Which I heeded, by the way: just ate breakfast and am still hungry!) Or maybe I just slept a little too much during that time while becoming one with the couch...

Anyhoo, here I am, rambling incoherencies (and made-up words?) to an imaginary audience. Thinking too much about food. Fighting the urge to use this extra time to exercise. All I can say is, thank god for the 24-hour Wal-Mart two minutes from my house. Maybe I'll see the crazy single-long-pour-Americano-with-breve-foam lady who frequents said store and whose drink I ring in at least once a day...Here's to early mornings, Esther.

What do you do to pass the time when you can't sleep?

Haunted

2010-01-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

Today, the lovely Jessie wrote:

Sometimes I miss certain things. The clean taste of lettuce and nothing more. The small knot of my body against my mattress at night. That buzz early in the morning when I woke. The emptiness inside.

Boy, can I ever relate. I miss the emptiness most of all. There's just something so pure about denial.

Where does one draw the line between ascetic and fanatic? Is there a line at all?

Question #3

2010-01-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

If you could be anyone else for a day (inhabit both their body and mind), who would you be?

I'm gonna have to say Lady Gaga. My god, her creativity alone just blows my mind, not to mention her insane amount of talent. Wouldn't be so bad to have that body to strut around in, either.

Question #2

2010-01-14T06:57:00.000-08:00

If you were in roller derby, what would your alias be?

(If you've seen the movie Whip It, you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't - see it. Now. BEST. MOVIE. EVER.)

Mine would be Slam-eron Diaz, because that's the best one I could think of ;).

RANDOM QUESTION TIME!!!

2010-01-10T17:57:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I went through this phase where I'd e-mail everyone on my contact list these random questions, one at a time. It was super fun and interesting to read everyone's answers...now I wish I'd saved them all and made a book!

We also play this game with customers during opening shifts at work. We ask the regulars, anyway...the one-time customers just give us weird looks if we ask them anything other than if they want room for milk in their coffee.

Anyway, I thought I'd re-introduce this game and make it a sporadic feature on my blog. I'd love to hear your responses!

Question #1: If you were a Jelly Belly jellybean, what flavour would you be and why?

I'd be Buttered Popcorn. Not that I like that flavour - in fact, I think it's disgusting - but I think it describes me the best. You bite into it expecting one thing (a sweet flavour, being a candy) but you get something totally unexpected (savoury). People are usually taken by surprise when they get to know me to find that I'm actually quite blunt and outspoken despite my diminuitive stature (I'm 5-foot-nothin') and shy exterior.

We recently asked a customer at work this question. His response? "What's a Jelly Belly?" Um, what planet are you from, buddy?!

Current Obsessions...

2010-01-10T07:35:00.000-08:00

...not that you care...but I am one of those people who feels the need to share that which is rockin' her world at any given moment ;).

1. Ezekiel English muffins with almond butter and salt, or coconut oil and cinnamon

2. Soaked Oatmeal, a.k.a. muesli - take 1/2 cup regular rolled oats (not instant!) and soak them overnight in 1/2 cup water + 1 tsp - 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, or yogurt. Add raisins, nuts/seeds, and/or spices if you wish. In the morning, stir up and top with fruit (banana!), a spoonful of yogurt, and a drizzle of maple syrup or honey. Yummmmmm.....

3. Goldfrapp http://goldfrapp.com/index.html

4. Kombucha http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kombucha

5. Pineapple...happens every year around this time.

6. SOUP! Parsnip-apple is my current favorite.

7. Any food that's fermented - always a fun experiment, and sooooo good for you. Before you get grossed out, know that many common foods are fermented, including bread, cheese, yogurt, and alcohol.

8. The United States of Tara - HILARIOUS TV show on Showcase starring Toni Collette as a mother with multiple personalities. Just bought Season 1 on DVD.

9. Tea - I will always love you...

10. Salmon - yeah, I'm not vegan anymore...so sue me.

More to come...

Any guesses as to what this is???

2010-01-01T18:16:00.001-08:00

Whoever guesses correctly will win a PRIZE!!!

*Okay, not really, but you will be able to brag about your stellar vegetable smarts. Such things will get you far in this world, no doubt.

Food for thought (and my Xmas present to you!).

2009-12-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!!!

A bit belated, but whatevs. 'Tis still the season.

So I woke up this morning with a sore, swollen throat, and it got me thinking (as being sick always does): why? Not "why" as in "why me?", but "why" as in "what have I been neglecting to tend to physically/mentally that has caused me to feel this way?" Maybe I overanalyze (okay, I know I do...it's just a sore throat, after all, not swine flu!), but I subscribe to the belief that disease is just that: dis-ease. When we're sick, it means we're imbalanced in some way. Sure, bugs and such are always "going around," but the thing to be aware of is not merely that you caught it, but why you were susceptible to it in the first place. Think about it: if you were completely healthy, your body would be able to fight it off, no?

My theory about my own under-the-weather-ness? I'm tired (weeks of 5:30 am starts at work will do that). I probably haven't been eating enough. I'm stressed (again, work. Not that it's a terribly difficult job; it's just hard to get used to being busy again after being unemployed and incapacitated for a year). Plus, I've been doing a lot of work mentally, challenging myself and actually making progress, which creates added stress in itself. Then I force myself to work out because I "should." And it's the holidays, which don't stress me out personally but I tend to absorb the energy of those around me.

I guess you could say I felt this coming and should have known better, started taking care of myself at the first signs. But hindsight is always 20/20, as they say, and I feel like I'm learning from that, at least, even if I don't have the brains (or would it be desire? I know I'm a masochist) to properly tend to my needs before it's too late.

Bored yet? Alright, here's my gift to you: I GOT A NEW CAMERA FOR CHRISTMAS!!! Which means I can take PHOTOS! Which means I can put said photos ON MY BLOG! Which means FOOD PORN! (Which means...um, that I'm weird?) Okay, maybe you don't care, but I did kinda mean for this to be a semi-food blog, since I use cooking as a creative outlet and feel that the enjoyment of food using all the senses, not just taste but sight, smell, etc., is key to recovery. So yes, this will help me, but it also enables you, the reader, to see pretty pictures and maybe, just maybe, inspire you a little. Not that I won't post pics of other things too, but I am a big fan of artful food shots and wanted to try my hand at that first and foremost.

AnYwAy...

Today's project: start a batch of bread! I got a whole-grain breadmaking book for Christmas and cannot wait to start experimenting!

What was the best gift you received this Christmas? (Or Hanukkah...)

~vanessa

These are a few (more) of my favorite things...

2009-12-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

Contrary to what others may believe *coughMOMcough*, there are actually a lot of things I love. Yeah, I complain a lot, but as I move towards health I've been especially aware and appreciative of what this world has to offer. Not to mention it's fall, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside anyway.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here are a few (more - and not necessarily food-related this time) of my favorite things:

1. FALL

2. Oatmeal

3. Winter squash

4. Rising with the sun (in summer, anyway...)

5. Ice skating

6. Kale

7. Homemade soup

8. Catching up with good friends

9. Tea

10. Workin' hard for the money (or for free...pay is just a bonus)

11. Eating the icing out of Oreo cookies and discarding the rest

12. Fresh starts

13. Cold, crisp fall days

14. Crunching through leaves on said days

15. The moon

16. The total satisfaction of eating exactly what your body was craving

17. Collapasing into bed after a particularly exhausting - yet productive and fulfilling - day

18. Baths

19. Singing in the bathtub (not the shower)

20. Cooking intuitively from scratch

21. Epiphanies

22. Food blogs

23. Sunshine after what seemed like an eternity of rain

24. Fresh, untouched snow

25. The sound of snow falling

26. Really killer workouts

27. Apples

28. Farmer's markets

29. Christmas decorations (especially my friend K's mom's snowman collection..which is up year-round, by the way, because she's that obsessed with snowmen)

30. Any food in mush form (eg. oatmeal, pureed squash, pudding, quinoa cooked with too much water...)

31. Pleasingly-shaped bowls

32. Eating out of bowls

33. Almond butter

34. Decorating the tree

35. When people "get it"...

36....without you having to say a word

37. Alan Rickman (okay, embarrassed now...but he's sexy, okay?!?!)

38. Honesty

39. Fresh bread

40. Dark humour

41. Cookbooks

42. Handmade gifts (both given and received)

43. Van Gogh's "Starry Night"

44. Riding my bike (except when I bail)

45. Roller derby

46. Muffins

47. REAL mail, a.k.a. snail mail, a.k.a. the main reason I subscribe to magazines.

48. Good, old-fashioned books. There's just something about holding one in your hands, smeling it, being able to flip the pages, the beauty of an unopened, virgin tome - though not to undermine the juiciness and mystery of anonymous markings in used books - that Kindle will never be able to replicate.

49. Margaritas made with real lime juice...I shit on your powdered mix crap.

50. Taking the first big heapin' spoonful from a fresh jar of peanut butter. The full-of-nastiness Kraft kind, though - the natural stuff doesn't have that nice smooth surface to mar.

51. Cozy fall and winter clothes, especially wooly socks

52. Toast and peanut butter

53. Holiday traditions (even if they're lame or annoying...you know you'd miss them)

54. Oversized sweaters

55. The perfect mug (tea and coffee fanatics, I know you know what I mean)

56. Blowing bubbles

57. Thunderstorms (the only reason I'd ever consider moving to the Prairies)

58. 90's music (Hanson, anyone? I saw the "Much Dance 90's CD the other day and almost bought it just for nostalgia's sake)

59. Elderly couples holding hands. SO cute.

60. A really epic bowel movement (TMI, I know...but you've gotta admit it's a pretty awesome feeling. See Robin Williams' monologue about it in the movie "The Fisher King" and tell me it's not the most accurate - and hilarious - description EVER)

To be continued...

Another amazing soup!

2009-11-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

I am not normally one to brag. BUT...I am officially crowning myself the Queen of Soup.

I bought some parsnips on a whim because I'd never had them before, and they just sat in the fridge for ages...until the need for soup arose and they were all I had to work with. Enter Parsnip-Apple Soup.

I simply sauteed a small onion in coconut oil, added a few chopped parsnips and a small apple (to complement the sweetness of the roots), covered everything with water, seasoned with salt, pepper, and nutmeg, and let 'er simmer for about 10 minutes. Into the almighty Vitamix for a quick spin et voila! It was perfect. (Side note: my mom hated it, but don't let that turn you off. She shuns anything that's not chicken and rice.) A little sweet, a little savoury, kinda earthy, and sooooo comforting on a miserable-ass poopy rainy fall day (okay, I promised I wouldn't complain today. Sorry).

Parsnip-Apple Soup

Small blob of coconut oil
1 small onion, chopped
3-4 large parsnips, chopped
1 small apple, chopped (no need to peel if you have a decent blender)
Water to just cover the vegetables
Salt, pepper, and nutmeg to taste
Splash of apple cider vinegar

Saute onion in oil until translucent. Add all remaining ingredients except vinegar, bring to a boil, and simmer on low about 10 mins or until parsnips and apples are soft. Transfer to a blender and puree until smooth. Pour back into pot to reheat if desired and add vinegar (just enough to brighten up the flavours a little. Serve, sprinkled with a pinch of nutmeg. Lovely.

Let me know what you think! Stay dry out there...

~vanessa

It was either bake, or build an ark...

2009-11-17T19:26:00.000-08:00

...I decided to bake. Banana bread, specifically.

It's been raining chipmunks and hippos here in the Canadian Rainforest (that's right, chipmunks and hippos) for the past week or so. If I hadn't just started my new job I'd seriously be on a plane to Cali at this very moment.

That's right, I'm finally a working girl again...feels AWESOME. Being unemployed is not all it's cracked up to be. Of course there's the major suckage that is a lack of paycheques, but even worse is the fact that it's friggin' BORING! I was without a job for almost a year, and though much of that time was spent in hospital, I had a serious case of ants-in-pants. I've always been someone who needs a project at all times; I need to feel productive. That's not to say I don't like my down time - I definitely need that. But when down time is all you have, it gets rather uncomfortable. All play and no work make Nessy a very irritable girl indeed. Just ask my parents.

I digress...

Yes. Work. Well, it's goin' good so far. There's no way I would want to be a barista for the rest of my life, but for now, it's fun, although challenging - there's a pretty steep learning curve (how many espresso shots in this? How many pumps of syrup in that? What the &%$# does "breve" mean?!) and many, many online modules and workbooks to plug away at. However, we're not a super-busy store - steady, but not crazy, so it's just enough action to keep me on my toes but not so much that I'm stumbling over them.

My one complaint? We're required to kiss MAJOR customer ass. Oh, your drink isn't exactly 173.42 degrees? Let me remake it, and here's a coupon for a free one next time! Would you like me to wipe your ass too while I'm down here? I realize we're in the customer service industry, but some people just take advantage of the "customer is always right" policy. Sigh. I guess it's not so much the policy that bugs me, but the lack of manners that customers display when mistakes happen. Hey, I want to please you just as much as you want to be pleased, and you have every right to have your drink the way you want it, but when you get "snooty" with me (catch that Ferris Bueller action there?), it just makes me want to throw the damn drink in your ugly face.

Okay, I'm done ranting now.

Except for one more thing: flaky friends. If you say you're gonna be there, then be there. Don't come an hour late, don't just not show, don't text me when I'm already halfway into the hour-long commute to meet you and tell me you have to babysit your cousin's neighbour's step-sister's goldfish and can't make it. For fuck's sake, COMMIT already!!! I swear, all this Facebook and iPhone and texting shit will be the end of common courtesy as we know it.

Yet again, I digress...

Sorry for the random post. It's been a long day.

I heart fall.

2009-11-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

I am a genius.

Just made the most AMAZING pumpkin soup - going completely by taste! Recipes are for wussies.

Sorry there are no measurements for the spices, but I had to share this nonetheless (consider it a lesson in intuitive cooking):

Vanessa's Pumpkin Soup

About 1 1/2 cups pureed pumpkin (I was hardcore and made my own fresh puree from an organic sugar pie pumpkin) - I'm sure you could use another type of squash, though, or even sweet potatoes or yams

1/2 a small onion, diced

A small clove of garlic, minced

A small dollop of coconut oil

Chipotle chili powder, pumpkin pie spice, cinnamon, coriander, salt, and fresh ground pepper to taste

A few splashes fresh squeezed OJ

A squeeze of fresh lime juice

A drizzle of agave

Enough water to thin as desired

Saute onion and garlic in oil on low-medium heat until soft. Add spices and saute about 30 seconds more. Add pumpkin and water as desired and simmer over low heat about 10 minutes (to blend flavours). Pour into a blender (careful!) along with the OJ, and puree until smooth, adding water or more OJ if needed. Return to pot, add agave and more spices if desired, and simmer a few more minutes (again, to blend the flavours). Stir in lime juice and serve! A little sprinkling of minced cilantro and/or toasted pumpkin seeds would also be yummy, not to mention pretty :).

Now go make this and be nourished!

~vanessa

ALWAYS WEAR YOUR HELMET.

2009-10-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

My helmet saved my life yesterday.

Sure, those things look super dorky, but seriously - how much will you care about looking cool when your skull looks like a smashed Halloween pumpkin and your brains the equivilant of the pulp?

I was riding my bike early yesterday morning, coming up to my favorite part of the whole route where I get to zoom down a steep hill and around the corner (provided the light is green). I was like, "Yes! Green light!" and proceeded to pin it down that hill. As I began to turn the wheel, I felt the back end of the bike start to skid on the wet pavement. "Oh shit." That's the worst part of accidents, I think: that second when you realize you're gonna bail.

The doctor at the clinic asked me which part of my body hit the ground first. I couldn't say, but I know I hit my head pretty hard and had I not been wearing a helmet, I most likely would not be here today.

Luckily, I got away with two messed-up hands/wrists. Just some soft tissue damage, apparently. Can't really dress, go to the bathroom, drive, or cook very easily, but hey, I'm still conscious.

So what have I concluded from all this? Somebody wants me to live. Surely, after cheating death more than once with my anorexia, and now this bike accident, I am meant to do something profound with the life that I have been given. Sounds cheesy, I know, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

Other happenings of note: I GOT A JOB!!! I start work at Starbucks the week after next. Call it my Halloween "treat" after the "trick" I received yesterday ;).

Aaaaaand...I'm going to see Regina Spektor in concert on Monday! SO excited. I'm not much of a show-goer, but this woman is so freaking amazing. Check her out: http://www.reginaspektor.com/index2.html Another show I'm excited about? Tegan and Sara. They're playing on my birthday (Jan. 6) - how cool is that?!

And that concludes today's post. I'll leave you with one word: HELMET.

Oh, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I plan to wear faery wings all day.

~vanessa

These are a few of my favorite things...

2009-10-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

Here we go, as promised: the Unofficial, Unapolagetic Ode to FOOD!!! This is a list of my current food infatuations: what they are, and why I love them (and why you should, too!). Enjoy!

(Disclaimer: This is an ongoing list - ever-changing, ever-growing, dependent upon seasons and moods, and subject to whims and fancies at blogger's discretion. Blogger is not responsible for any food obsessions that may be acquired after viewing this post. Read at your own risk.)

1. Coconut oil - Solid at room temperature, liquid when heated, coconut oil is one of the most versatile fats around. Used as a spread, it's just like buttah; used for frying and sauteing, it's stable (meaning that even the raw, virgin stuff will not turn toxic when heated to high temperatures). It's gotten a bad rap in the past because of its saturated fat content, but mounting evidence is now showing that the body reacts differently to this plant fat than to saturated animal fats. I'm no nutritionist (yet), so I don't have all the details (that's what Google is for), but all I know is this stuff makes me feel like a million bucks! For more info, follow the link: http://www.alphahealth.ca/coconut.html

2. Winter squash - I'm obsessed, that's all I'm gonna say. Fall has got me psycho for squash (I even ate it for breakfast this morning with cinnamon, maple syrup, a pinch of salt, then topped with almond butter...drool). Any kind will do, but I think kabocha is my favorite. It's super easy to make, can be prepared in a gazillion different ways, and is loaded with vitamins and fibre. AND you can eat the skin, don'tcha know.

3. Quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wa) - Those Incans knew what they were talking about! This seed (yes, it's technically a seed, not a grain), Andean in origin, is being called a "superfood" due to it's high protein and calcium (more than milk!), and impressive amino acid profile. It's gluten-free, and quick-cooking, too! Prepare it any way you'd cook rice; it'll be ready for mass consumption in 15-20 minutes. I personally cook it in way more water than is normally called for because I personally like anything in mush form :). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quinoa

4. Hemp - Another superfood! I consume it in many different forms: hemp seeds, hemp milk, hemp seed butter (think peanut butter), and hemp protein powder. And no, it won't make you high (insert exaggerated eye roll here). What it does do is give us an excellent source of plant-source complete protein and fish-free omegas. But that only goes for the edible form - don't take drugs, mmmkay? http://manitobaharvest.com/

5. Almond butter - Is it just me, or does this stuff go with everything? I put it on oatmeal and squash (see above), make it into "peanut" sauce, slather it on toast, make sammiches with it, stuff Medjool dates with it...um, eat it off the spoon...I could go on. Shall I go on? And it loves me, too: AB is a good source of calcium, protein, and healthy fats.

6. Millet - More power to the power grains! Most people know millet as the stuff you give to birds, but oh, it is so much more than that my friends. Millet is in the same category as quinoa: a seed you cook like a grain. Also like quinoa, it's high in protein and calcium and is quick to cook. It has an almost buttery taste to it and a soft, fluffy texture. My favorite way to prepare it is steamed with cauliflower, onions, salt, and pepper, then pureed, et voila! Mashed "potatoes."

9. Honeycrisp apples - If you have not tried these apples, go out and buy some NOW! These are the juiciest, crispiest, freshest-tasting apples I have ever had. They just taste like fall.

10. Stevia - A calorie-, sugar-, and carbohydrate-free herb that won't cause a spike in blood sugar, stevia is becoming increasingly available as a sugar substitute as the incidence of diabetes rises. I know, it sounds too good to be true, but as of yet there is no significant evidence to prove that stevia is bad for your health, so for now, I say ignorance is bliss! You can buy stevia in powder or liquid form, and use it to sweeten everything from coffee to baked goods. My favorite is the vanilla-flavoured liquid stevia; I put it in my coffee and soy lattes. http://www.stevia.com/

11. Oatmeal - A classic. The perfect start to those chilly fall/winter mornings, especially when cooked with hemp milk, cinnamon, raisins, and a pinch of salt, then topped with a spoonful of - what else?! - almond butter. I use the quick oats because I'm impatient, but sometimes I switch it up and soak the large-flake kind overnight with the aforementioned ingredients and eat it cold in the morning. One of these days I'll put on my Irish pants and cook up a pot of steel-cut oats.

12. Fresh juice - NOTHING makes me feel more alive than liquid energy from my juicer. The bottled, store-bought stuff pales in comparison to homemade in every way: fresh juice contains all the living enzymes of the whole fruits and veggies, whereas packaged juice has been pasteurized (heated to kill apparent bacteria), which kills off all that life force. Do a taste test between the two and just try and tell me you don't feel an immediate surge of energy after consuming fresh juice. Lately I've been doing apple-kale juice. That's right, kale. I'm hardcore. Which brings me to my next obsession...

13. Kale - Did you know that green leafy veggies are one of the best sources of amino acids? It's true: greens such as kale, Swiss chard, and spinach contain the pure aminos, which is what our bodies break proteins down into. Why eat a hunk of steak and make your body do all that work digesting it (which is why you often feel tired after a heavy meal), when you could chow down on a big beautiful salad and have energy to burn?! Okay, I'm getting preachy here, but my point is that kale and other greens make me feel AWESOME, and they're tasty. I even put them in smoothies with frozen bananas and hemp protein. As I said...I'm hardcore.

14. Matcha tea - Powdered Japanese green tea that you whisk into a liquid (versus steeping the loose leaves). Although caffeinated, this tea gives you a nice, steady energy, unlike the jittery buzz and inevitable crash that coffee provides. The preparation of matcha is its own little ritual: it's traditionally prepared in a small bowl using a (crazy expensive for some reason) special bamboo whisk. Of course, here in North America we've bastardized it, whipping into everything from lattes to cookies...though I'm not gonna lie, I'm in love with matcha soy lattes from Blenz, and I just bought some cocoa matcha the other day. Yep, the tea police are coming to get me any day now. http://www.zenmatchatea.com/

And last, but most certainly not least...

15. Vega - A vegan meal replacement powder that gives you superpowers (okay, I lie...but it does make me feel capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound). This stuff has everything: complete protein (from hemp, pea, brown rice, flax, and chlorella), tons of fibre, 100% of all your essential vitamins and minerals for the day, and other goodies like maca (for energy), probiotics, and essential fatty acids. And it tastes good, and there's no blender required: just shake with water, juice, or milk, and you're good to go! I like the vanilla chai flavour best. http://sequelnaturals.com/vega

And there you have my top 15 foods of awesomeness! (No, I am not being paid to endorse any of these products, I promise!) I challenge you to try some of them...don't be scared, vegan food doesn't bite. Now go forth and be nourished, young grasshopper!

Now it's your turn: What are your favorite foods right now?

It's my blog and I'll write what I want to.

2009-10-21T13:28:00.001-07:00

Yo yo!

So I've been home for about a week and a half now, and so far, so good. Yeah, I'm struggling, but I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I have after all my previous hospital admissions. Score one for me!! I find that I constantly have to keep my goals in mind: if I really don't want to have that morning snack (HATE morning snack. Always have, always will), I remind myself that I'm supposed to be gaining weight, or at least maintaining, and if I don't, I can't go to school. (That's just an example...there are a myriad of other reasons why I should follow that damn meal plan.) Not to mention how much better I feel when I'm eating enough. That's a MAJOR difference this time around: I actually want to take care of myself. I want to feel good. I think I will always feel the pull towards self-destruction (as one of my friends said the other day, "Why do I feel so [mentally] strong when I feel so [physically] weak?"), but I now know that one cannot both live and die simultaneously.

Speaking of food as fuel, I'm planning a massive post about all my current favorite food obsessions (I'd do it now but my mom needs to use the computer for work). Yeah, I realize that nobody really cares about what I eat, but you know how sometimes you just get so excited about something that you want to share it with the world? Well, I'm pumped about food and you're going to be the lucky recipients of my rant whether you want to be or not!!! (Hence the title of this post.) Check back tomorrow for an unapologetic ode to FOOD!

In the meantime, go outside. It's fall, for godssake. (BEST. SEASON. EVER.)

~vanessa

HOME FREE!

2009-10-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true: I have been released from hospital at last!

This has been a whirlwind week, let me tell you. I found out, through a series of bone tests and x-rays, that I basically have the bones of a 90-year-old. Not only that, but I have fractures in my feet and hips. This, my friends, is what anorexia can do to you. Don't think it can't happen.

So just like that, all my pass privileges were taken away, as well as my exercise time. And, most disappointing, I had a very strong feeling that this would be the week I made my target weight (at which they'd let me go home. Found out yesterday that I did make it, by the way), and was terrified that these new findings would keep me in hospital even longer. So after waiting and waiting and waiting for the test results to come back, and for rheumatology to come talk to me, and for the "team" to discuss things, and to find out whether I made my weight or not, and over the course of many ups and downs and back-and-forths and nobody being able (or was it willing?) to provide me with answers, I was FINALLY told yesterday that I'd be going home. Cannot even tell you how much weight was lifted off my shoulders (pun intended). I literally went from suicidal (after hearing the diagnosis) to completely elated in the course of one day.

I have been here for two months exactly. Although long, this has been the most successful admission by far. I have not been sedated. I have not been strapped to my bed. I have not been fed through a tube (well, except for one night). I have made friends. And, perhaps most importantly, I have learned how to be diplomatic, assertive, and (gasp!) an adult.

I'm not better by any means, but I'm a hell of a lot closer than I was two months ago...maybe even ever!

Still certified, still have to come to weekly outpatient appointments, still have to get bloodwork done, and I can't do any weight-bearing activity. But all that is a small price to pay in exchange for freedom!

What's the first thing I'm going to do when I get home, you ask? Go grocery shopping, actually - my parents just left for Vegas so there's no food in the house! It's gonna be sweet. I am such an old lady.

Gettin' my sexy back.

2009-09-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

I want to be beautiful again.

People used to stare when I walked down the street. I was approached regularly by guys at the Goth club I would frequent. I sometimes got asked if I was an actress. And, most importantly, I thought I looked good. I respected myself enough to take pride in the way I dressed, did my makeup, did my hair, and carried myself; I even felt downright sexy sometimes.

Nowadays, people still stare - because I'm too fucking skinny.

Somewhere along the way, I lost that confidence and self-respect, and the weight went with it. The lower my weight got, the worse I felt about myself, and the worse I felt about myself, the more weight I lost.

Most people complain about being "too fat" to fit into the clothes they want to; it's just as depressing and frustrating when you can't fill out a pair of skinny jeans! (It was a huge victory for me this hospitalization when I finally found a pair of cigarette pants that didn't fit like guy jeans!)

Though I am gaining weight, it's excruciatingly slow. I feel, and feel that I look, waaaaaay better than I did seven weeks ago, though most people would still consider me extremely emaciated, and that frustrates me because it makes me realize how far I still have to go. I wish I could just snap my fingers and look and feel the way I did a few years ago: confident, attractive, and strong.

I want to get my sexy back.

BEST. DAY. EVER.

2009-09-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

...Well, the best day I've had since being here, anyway.

My weight made a pretty significant jump this week. Kind of anxiety-inducing, but I am excited regardless because guess what? If it goes up the same amount again next week, I'M OUTTA HERE!!! Yep. I was expecting at least another month in this place at the rate I was going, so this came as a real surprise. I may get to enjoy fall after all!

Along with the weight gain also came some more privileges:

One, I managed to FINALLY get a significant chunk of time on my own. Dr. R granted me a half hour unaccompanied pass today, during which I took a walk down to English Bay (shh, don't tell - I'm not supposed to be doing any physical activity). I actually noticed my surroundings as I was walking - this was a huge thing for me. Usually I'm so focused on getting a workout/getting where I need to go that I just march, head down and trapped in my own thoughts.

Two, I got some longer passes with my family. Today was an hour again, and I'm hoping to get a couple hours this weekend. I want to do some serious shopping :) .

And three, I may start getting meal passes this weekend! It starts with taking my tray to the cafeteria to eat, then progresses to going out to a restaurant. I can't wait to get some real food!

It's really nice to finally be earning some trust. I still have a lot of work to do, but I've also made a lot of progress since being here, so it feels good to get some recognition for that.

I have so much more I could say tonight; lots has happened this week. But you're gonna have to wait - you know I have trouble sitting still for long ;).

Have a lovely night...I will have more tales for you tomorrow.

~vanessa

...

2009-09-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

New post is coming soon! Just waiting to see the doc and dietician.

Got another one-hour pass yesterday...SO nice. It's still so damn hot outside, though - it's now officially fall, and I am NOT a fan of summer, so I'm anxiously awaiting the cool, crisp days. $#@%&* climate change. Oh well, at least I'm not missing my favorite season being in here.

So yeah, hopefully I receive good news today regarding passes and such. I'll post as soon as I know the what what.

Another happy Monday

2009-09-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

I just had the most blissful 15 minutes of my life.

Okay, get your head out of the gutter - I didn't do that.

No, these 15 minutes were spent outside, on my own. No parents, no nurses, just me and the sunshine. I swear, I have never felt such a high in all my life. Never thought I'd appreciate a few minutes alone so much! I was practically on my knees begging Dr. R, though. I told her it isn't fair that when my parents can't make it here to visit, I don't get to go out (my passes need to be accompanied); and that if I have to go with a nurse, I might as well still be on the ward. I did really fucking well this weekend considering the mess that last week was (patients coming and going, room changes, misinformation, secrets...and me getting a feeding tube and it promptly clogging, which resulted in it coming out and me having to drink the Boost that would have gone into me through the tube); all the weekend staff were vouching for me, apparently. I've gotta say, everyone is pretty fucking surprised and impressed with me right now, and I'm doing the "I told you so" dance.

I have a feeling this is going to be a big week. Depending on what my weight does on Wednesday, I could be looking at some longer passes, possibly even a meal or snack out. I think I've built a lot of trust this week, and it's nice to finally be getting some recognition for the work I've done.

Lots more to say, but I've gotta run now because I have another pass - that's right, you heard me. It's with a nurse, but hey, that's compromise. It got me 15 minutes alone and that's all that matters today :).

I will post again on Wednesday...cross your fingers for me!

~vanessa

Woo hoo!!!!

2009-09-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

Guess who gets a half-hour pass to Starbucks today?!!!

I totally did not expect that to be OK'd...normally we fill out pass request forms every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday, and I've just been filling them out in the hopes that if I keep it up they'll eventually let me go. So yeah, that was a pretty pleasant Monday morning surprise!

This will be my first time off hospital grounds. I'm going with my cousin/bestest friend tonight, and holy crap I CANNOT wait that long! Approximately eight hours to go...AAH!

Man, I don't even drink coffee and I want coffee...Tea does not match my level of excitement right now.

~vanessa

A Big Day

2009-09-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

I got to go OUTSIDE today. For the first time in a MONTH. 'Nuff said.

A fairly good day, all things considered...

2009-09-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

So today, being Wednesday, was weigh day.

Why was this a good day, you ask? NO MEAL PLAN INCREASE FOR ME!!! Which means I finally gained a significant amount of weight. Considering I'm at my MAX for food intake right now (soooo fuuulllllll...), I am pretty happy that the dietician decided to take it easy on me - for this week, at least. Though I can't say I'm looking forward to next week because there's always the possibility my weight will plateau (wish me luck!).

In other news, my docs said I'm medically okay to go on passes! Don't ask me why they originally told me I wouldn't be eligible for passes until I've gained 5kg...However, that doesn't mean I actually get to go out - I have to "follow the care plan" first, which means sitting down when the staff tells me to, continuing to eat the damn food, easing up on the pacing, and generally being compliant with whatever I'm told to do. Harder than it sounds, especially with the pacing (my go-to coping mechanism when I'm cooped up in here). Damn me and my control issues. Again, wish me luck.

In other other news: my school is being very accomodating and understanding and just all-around wonderful. They sent me a package of course notes and reading material, and told me that when I get out of here I can audit the courses until March when I can re-register. They said it's a good idea to be well-prepared because the courseload can get intense. So by reading through all the stuff I can feel like I'm being at least somewhat productive. I'm still pissed about not being able to actually attend school this semester though...grrr...

Well, that's all my news for now. Time for dinner...*groan*...

~vanessa

Tell the sun it was nice to know him.

2009-08-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

I was informed this morning that I will not be allowed to attend school this fall.

I was hoping to get passes to go, but as my doctors have no hearts, I am stuck in here for the rest of my natural-born life. (School is only three hours, twice a week...I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to drive there, sit for a few hours and feed my brain, and drive back. It's not like I'm asking to run a marathon here.)

Words cannot describe how heartbroken I am.

Apparently I will not only not be allowed any passes for school, but there will be no passes whatsoever until I gain those 5 kg I mentioned.

This is INHUMANE.

~vanessa

I got life.

2009-08-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I found out yesterday that I'm going to be in here at least another 6 weeks. Yeah. I was not impressed. They want me to gain another 5 kg...I've been in here 2 weeks and haven't gained an ounce, so you can imagine how long that will take. And I was under the impression that I was admitted due to my low blood sugar and that I'd be released once it stabilized...so much for that. Anyway, I'm trying to make the best of it, hard as that is, because what other options do I have? I'm certified (here against my will - they'll send the police after me if I try to escape), so struggling will only draw things out longer and make the situation worse. As I've said before, the more I comply and try to go with the flow (or lack thereof), the sooner I'll get the hell outta here. If I'm making this sound like it's easy or that I want to do what I'm told, believe me that's not the case! The hardest thing in the universe for me right now is to make the best of this. It goes against every bone in my body that wants to rebel and have the "I'll show them!" attitude. Ultimately, that only makes it harder on me. I'm the one who suffers when I don't eat, exercise maniacally, and fight the staff. Yeah, this program sucks ASS, but I need to use that as motivation to show them that I CAN do this, because nobody thinks I can.

(Sure, I'm talking myself up pretty big right now, but you should've seen me last night - I was a blubbering mess.)

If there's anyone else out there who's been in this situation, I'd love to hear from you.

~vanessa

Gettin' antsy...or not?

2009-08-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

I am pretty proud of myself.

I've been in here over a week now and I have yet to experience that intense anxiety that takes me over around, oh, day two of all my previous hospital stays.

In the past, all the boredom and restlessness and anger and frustration and pissed off-ness and ambivilance of being put in the hospital against my will would get to me and result in a huge crashing wave of anxiety that led to frantic pacing and an intense need to exercise. This time around though, things are different.

I believe this is due to a few reasons: 1. They're letting me exercise. For fifteen minutes twice a day, I'm allowed to go in the group room and knock myself out. This eases both my mind and body IMMENSELY. 2. There is some structure to our days. We have a few groups, plus scheduled meals and snacks that make it at least feel like there is some reason to get up in the morning. (My previous admissions were on the regular medical ward, not the ED ward, so I basically sat there all day with nothing to do but stare at the walls.) 3. I don't have a feeding tube. Those things make me feel like utter shite, all bloaty and stuff. 4. My bowels are working. Okay, major TMI, but it's a fact. When I'm stopped up, I get anxious and irritable as hell. Plus, eating so much food on top of being full o' poop ain't all that comfortable! 5. I'm prepared. I know what to expect from this program (I'm gonna be bored and there's nothing I can do to change that) and I know how to speak the team's language (eg. don't get all huffy and angry and pent-up when talking to the docs because that doesn't get you what you want. It's all about staying as calm and rational as possible). and 6. I'm ready to do what it takes to get better. I believe that if you're truly ready to kick this disorder, you can find help anywhere. This hospital SUCKS, the program is a joke, but I'm here and I might as well use it to my advantage. It's actually great that this program is as shitty as it is because it motivates me to want to stay out of it!!! I never, EVER want to end up back here again. This is the last time.

As Marya Hornbacher, author of Wasted puts it, eating disorders just plain old get boring. There are bigger and better things out there, cliche as it sounds. Focusing on food is futile: we need it to live, just like air - how retarted would it be to forbid yourself to breathe?

Just a thought.

~vanessa

Eating all day is not as much fun as it sounds...

2009-08-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Got my meal plan increased today...*groan.* Maybe it's partly psychological, but I am so full. Everyone says to me, "Oh you get to sit around all day and eat...sounds like a vacation!" Um, not so much. Bodies were made to move, and hunger and fullness cues do not exist merely to be ignored! I have to keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass" (a wise saying that I want to get tattooed on my arm someday). The faster I gain weight, the sooner I'll get the hell outta here.

Also, got a new IV put in last night at 11pm. That was nice - trying to sleep and getting woken up by a needle being jabbed into your arm.

So that's my life at the moment...once again, not much to say. Just posting out of boredom. By the way, if anyone out there has any suggestions for how to pass the time, I welcome them with open arms! Anything but knitting...I don't have the patience for that, nor do I want to.

~vanessa

SO. EFFING. BORED.

2009-08-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

Hello lovelies,

It's no big secret that the hospital is the most boring place on Earth, but I'll just reinforce that point with an AAAAAAARRRRRGGHHH!!!!!! Weekends are the WORST! Is it possible to die of nothing to do, I wonder??? If nothing else, all this idle time is teaching me how to be self-motivated, something I struggle a lot with. When I get bored, it leads to anxiety, which usually results in me doing something self-destructive. But even that gets old when you have ALL DAY to do it. Thus, I've come to the last resort: using my time to do something constructive! What an idea!

Mostly I've been reading - my textbook (for the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition that I'm supposed to attend this fall), and a fabulous little book you may have heard of called "Eat Pray Love." I know it's been around for a while on all the bestseller lists, which usually turns me right off (same with blockbuster movies), but when I saw it sitting on the bookshelf here it called to me. The verdict: FANTASTIC. I highly recommend this book, people. Anyway...

(I just realized that I have not mentioned, or even thought about, food yet in this entire post! That's a HUGE victory for me. At home, food was on my mind 24/7. Guess that's what happens when you're getting enough to eat, huh?)

Nothing much else to report...just thought I'd write a quick hi...plus I needed to fill up the time with something, surprise surprise! Thanks for reading...if anyone actually is...:s

~vanessa

Locked Up

2009-08-14T16:26:00.001-07:00

Hello hello,

So I'm back in the hospital. I've lost count of how many times it's been now...

I went for my regular weekly check-up yesterday and, despite my weight still being above where they said it needed to be in order to stay out of hospital, my blood sugar was so low as to be "life-threatening," so they admitted me that day. It's the SHITS here, I tell you. Yeah yeah, poor me, whatever whatever. I'm not expecting pity, I'm just stating facts.

On the plus side, I don't have a feeding tube and I'm not on bedrest (both usually de rigeur in cases such as mine, eg. extremely low eight and body fat, wacky sugars, etc.); I'm on the ED ward and not the medical ward (which sucks exponentially more); I am allowed to remain vegan and eat some of my own food rather than hospital shiznit (yay for real food); and there's Internet access.

Anyway, I don't know how long I'll be here, but I will continue to post regularly...when I'm not eating, that is, which is ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! No, eating all day long is NOT as much fun as it sounds like.

Ciao for now,

vanessa

Intro

2009-08-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

Hi! Welcome.

After much deliberation, I have decided to join the masses and start a blog. I waste far too much time on the Internet and figured I should do something productive with that time instead.

I plan on posting my thoughts for the day, my struggles and triumphs, maybe some pics of my eats, and...? Who knows what exciting things may come up in my day-to-day life of no school and no job! :s

Blogging Goal #1: Gain a support system to aid in my recovery from anorexia.

Blogging Goal #2: Do something useful, rather than waste time, on the computer.

Blogging Goal #3: Make new friends.

Blogging Goal #4: Improve my typing skills (okay lame...but true).

I'm sure more will come up, but that's all I can think of for now. In the meantime, I'll be sharing bits and bites about myself, and I invite you to do the same!

Thanks for reading; I look forward to sharing my journey with you.

~vanessa